Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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