Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
