it wasn't lemon gatorade
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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