You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
