Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
What drink are we having for lunch?
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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