I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
