That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Randomize
