You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
