Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
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