If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
