my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
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