He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
