Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize