I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Pregnant stripper...not hot.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
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