my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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