Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize
