I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
