This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
