wake up i wanna do it froggy style
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Randomize
