I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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