I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
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