he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
