Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
