i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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