once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
She bit a glass in half.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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