You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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