Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Randomize
