We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
And people are going to start dressing like that in public, it's just ridiculous, the goths and now the GAGAs
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
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