i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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