i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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