Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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