I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
