I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
