Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
