You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
