If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Randomize