So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
