pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Randomize
