Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
