She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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