just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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