paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
You know, be my cock's hype man.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
