Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
