he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
