Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
