Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
Barsexuality is the new black.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
