you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
