Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
We're too hungover to prance.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
