Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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