she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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