I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
