All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Randomize
