if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
i wish my penis had a tongue
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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