I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
