i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
