i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
