he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
