Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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