Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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