and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
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