we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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