Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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