If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Randomize
